Forever

The day has been a freaking surreal one.

The first part of the day was going by so quickly that I barely noticed that it was almost 5pm when i was done with all the running around. We had a huge event on today and besides liaising with the PR and media ppl, I was in between counselling, trying to consolidate some stuff for the campus news and website, as well as edit some write ups.

As soon as I was at my workstation, i felt compelled to check my mobile. I saw missed calls and I couldn't recognise those numbers.

Little did I know when I returned the call that my cousin sis would say this (while crying), "Cheche, pohpoh is gone".

I was stumped. I couldn't comprehend what she was saying. I had to ask her to repeat herself just to be sure.

I wasn't expecting this at all. My grandma was getting better I thought. I just saw her on Sunday and she seemed heaps better than the Sunday before that.

I was in a state of shock and denial.

I had to speak to my aunt to clarify just to make sure that what i heard from my younger cousin sis is true.

It seemed that my pohpoh had difficulty breathing and she didn't suffer for long. She left within 10 mins...and she had most of her grand children with her at the time. It's school holiday now, and the kids were home with her.

My pohpoh has been very strong. For the last 2 weeks since she was hospitalised, she has been trying to conceal her pain and uncomfortableness. She was always smiling, despite the fact that she was suffering.

She had sleepless nights due to the pains in her body. Her feet were swollen (since the fever), her hands were bruised from the drip, and her legs were in pain due to an old injury.

She used to toss and turn every night. And she barely got to sleep. And she had almost zero appetite to eat - we had to coax her to eat everytime. Outwardly, she seemed strong, internally she was weak.

In a way, we're relieved to know that she no longer has to go through this. She has been really very strong for us. And I know that we have to be strong for her too.
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We have just left grandma's house. It seemed like it's such a long day today. Earlier, time seemed to zoom pass. But when we were at pohpoh's house, it seemed as if everything was moving in slow mo.

It has been raining the whole day today. It's as if the world's crying with us too.

This is the first time I've seen so many adults crying - my mum, aunts, uncles. And the more we cried, the more it rained.

This is the first time we have to deal with death. Death in the family.

Tell me, how does anyone deal with such trauma?

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Someone from the funeral parlour came to dress and made up my pohpoh. And she's now in the coffin in the main hall. We'll be having a Buddhist ceremony tomorrow night.

Everyone's upset.

And most of us can't accept the fact that she's gone. We kept talking about her, reminiscing the good ol times we had together.

My pohpoh was a wonderful, loving and selfless lady.

I miss her so much..so so much.

I miss hearing her call my name - a name that only she can pronounce properly. I miss seeing her smile and call me her little princess. I will no longer be able to experience all these.

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These will only be memories from now on. Memories that will always be etched deep in my heart.

Forever.

I love you pohpoh.

Forever.